A TV advertisement on the 2018 Winter Olympic coverage reminded me of the ranch version of the Olympics that we practice daily. Our events include Ice Chopping and Chunking, Loading Bales with Hand Signals, Cutting Strings/Net Wrap and Wrapping or Bundling (sometimes called Bungling), Cake Shoveling and in very special occasions when temperatures are well below zero, Emergency Fencing.
In general, cussing under the breath by either party does not add anything positive to the day and is a waste of lung capacity required for completing the remainder of the events. It is a rare day that we don’t practice all but the Emergency Fencing. That is saved for very rare and special occasions in which cussing is nearly always required before completion, but it is rarely done under the breath.
In case there are a few non ranchers who read this, let me explain the first of these events in more detail. Ice Chopping is required for water holes lacking continual input, which in my experience, is most of them. As a side note, I’ve found that typically electric wells are not allowed to run continually, even when they can be shut down to an ice preventing trickle, IF the person making that decision is NOT the person enrolled in Ice Chopping and Chunking.
There are only two real keys to perfecting Ice Chopping: the first is to use an axe and the second is to have two functioning shoulders. I have seen the event performed with a hammer, fencing pliers, a metal pipe, screwdriver or a boot heel. It is possible to participate with these implements, but it is rare to be truly successful with them, and you will not be able to complete the chunking portion of the event with any of them. Arthritic joints do not prevent participation, and you will eventually finish the event, but your artistic scores won’t be high.
Ice Chopping and Chunking is a true spectator sport only if performed by two people, and it’s best if they are a couple. By that, I mean a couple that is romantically involved, or within the memory of at least one member, there was a romance at one time. It’s quite rare that the romance is still smoking hot after a few seasons of Winter Ranch Olympic participation.
Generally speaking, it will be the more masculine member who wields the axe – the Chopper. The Chunker must remain alert and attempt to get her pitch fork (or shovel if preferred) into the churning water before the Chopper has vacated that area. It is possible to wait, but rarely done that way since the Chopper expects the Chunker to finish simultaneously with him and, lacking patience, will drive off if she isn’t done when he thinks she should be. No additional points are awarded for this behavior, but unfortunately, there is no penalty either.
The rule for the Chunker is to toss the ice chunks out of the cattle’s path to the water hole. The tossing can be done in place if the participant has sufficient strength but a step or two is often required. Remember, slipping on the ice formed by previous daily rounds of the event does not eliminate the need to remove the ice for the cattle. Skidding, falling, and cussing do not add to your overall score for the event. The only important part is making certain a cow cannot skid or fall.
This is a great spectator sport when the Chopper moves around the water hole as the Chunker is throwing ice blindly over a shoulder. Extra points are awarded when a chunk of ice accidentally whacks the Chopper. Penalty points are taken away if the whacking wasn’t accidental.
The more artistic portion of this event is the Ice Chunking and I’ve participated in the event enough to perfect the very prestigious leg lift. This is a highly dangerous move on the previously mentioned uneven, icy surfaces around the water hole. It’s required by the small of stature, especially when they have an aching shoulder – or two. As we all learned in science class, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The ice loaded pitch fork receives additional momentum when the leg lift comes exactly after the forearms reach their maximum lift. Balanced on one foot, arms raised with ice loaded pitch fork, all the weight on the heel, on wet ice…you get the picture.
Additional danger exists, and therefore more points are awarded, when the water started running before the event started. It cannot have run enough to melt the ice, only enough to put a layer of water on top. When struck with the axe, the water sprays, covering faces, glasses, and gloves of both Chopper and Chunker. The Chopper always thinks it’s humorous when the Chunker gets more of the icy blast, and additional points are awarded when both participants complete the event wearing ice masks.
Having participated in and seen enough of all of the Ranch Olympic events this winter, I think I’ll go see when the sport Olympic coverage begins on TV. That is, I will if I can wrestle the TV remote away from…ooh, gotta run. I think I just heard the Chopper head for the coffee pot.
Sandy Snider Stahl 